When Love Comes Calling

by dr. terri

As we close out another year, I'm sure some of us are still riding high on this holiday season. But there are those of us who dreaded every minitue of it. We dreaded it because we never seem to experience the picture perfect holiday. We want our money to be flowing, our homes to be decorated exquisitely, our love lives to be fairytale-like, and our bodies to be an ideal weight. Without these things, we feel as if the lyrics "Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you love" is our annual holiday anthem. So once again, we missed it. Missed what? We missed the chance to simply be joyfully present--all because we believe [romantic] love didn't come calling for us.

Unfortunately, so many of us are missing our own lives because we insist on visiting the lives of other people. We're always over there--looking around, snooping, oo'ing and ah'ing, envying (excuse me--admiring) what everybody else has going on for themselves. In the meantime, we complain about our own lives not being big enough, esquisite enough, enviable enough. We come home to ourselves with feelings of something being wrong with us. We say to ourselves: Why doesn't anyone see me? Why did she get him? Why did they get that? Why don't I have all of that staged happiness in my pics? Why didn't love come calling for me? Why, why, why?

If this sounds like you, just stop. Breathe. It's time to come to yourself and make yourself at-home in your own life. After all, if you're never there, how can you expect somebody to be there with you? Go home already. And that doesn't mean become a work-a-holic, a whorester, or a hermit just to numb the pain or to drown your sorrows--yes, you read that correctly. Instead, go to the home within your own mind, body, spirit, and soul. There is where you can begin to appreciate you by making a life for yourself on purpose.

Listen, making a life for yourself on purpose is about enjoying your own company with or without the constant presence of others. It's entertaining guests at your home, joining cause-worthy organizations, traveling to visit friends and family, decluttering your space, developing platonic cross-sex friendships, balancing your budget, eating right and exercising, reading more, and becoming a more sensual woman. These are all things that can refresh your life (whether single or coupled) and make it more welcoming to you and to others. Are they guarantees for getting the fairytale romance you desire? No, absolutely not. But they do guarantee that life won't keep passing you by as you await the real romantic love you deserve.

So as we sit on the dawn of a new year (and say goodbye to one of the most pecular years thus far of the millennium), prepare to be joyfully present for this next one. Stop visiting everyone else's life and start inviting them into yours. And who knows this time next year, you may actually be at-home when love comes calling for you.

Have an amazingly blessed 2017! Stay + y'all...

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.

Kissing: It's Not Just for Mistletoe & Hearts

by dr. terri

Did you know today is World Kiss Day? If not, no worries. Most people had no idea of the holiday either. But isn't it interesting how we have become a holiday craze society? We wait for special occasions just so we can behave like thus and so. Take for instance the longstanding tradition of kissing underneath the mistletoe for those who celebrate Christmas; or the declaration of love and the exchange of hearts for those who celebrate Valentine's Day.

It seems as if besides the wedding kiss ritual, kissing underneath the mistletoe or declaring love for your Valentine, are the last remaining official symbols of acceptable PDA (public display of affection) in our society. Yet, who among us can find a good piece of mistletoe after the Christmas season? And who among us has time to daydream and draw hearts on paper napkins as we hope and pray for a kiss sent by Cupid? But look, why wait for special occasions to experience the playful and passionate feelings that come with a good, spine-tingling, flat-footed kiss? Well, quite frankly, we don't have to wait. We can learn to keep right on kissing all year round.

For many people, kissing is a lost art form. We get so comfortable with our mates that we dismiss it as something we either did when we first met or something we must do merely to say hello and goodbye. But a kiss is so much more than a whimsical experience or a begrudged chore. To kiss is to express desire. It is part of the language of love that tells our mates we want them and we want them to want us too. Sure kissing is a part of the sexual experience but the beauty of kissing is that it can stand on its own—with or without sexual intercourse—and still leave us with our toes curled.

Now most of you are probably saying your toes haven’t curled in so long that you’re not even sure they can do it anymore. Not so. Learning to kiss again does take practice—preferably on another human being and not the inanimate objects we used in our childhood days. So if your mate is willing to engage in regular practice sessions, you’ll be back in the saddle in no time. And that old orbicularis oris (your mouth’s pucker up muscle) will be back in action. But just in case you’re still not convinced you can make a kissing comeback, here are four helpful tips to get you going again:

1. Take your time. Good flat-footed kissing isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. To rush a kiss is like rushing sexual intercourse and we all know that experience is never fulfilling for “women of a certain age.”

2. Mind what you eat. Fruits, mints, and chocolate have a way of awakening your taste buds. Fruits can heighten your sense of taste making a kiss oh so sweet. Mints give a tingle to the lips that bring a bit of a tingle to the hips. And chocolate? Well, who can ever get enough of it?

3. Explore before you soar. Don’t be afraid to get to know the lips of your mate before going for the deep passionate kisses. After all, pecks and puckers are like good foreplay, so stay there for a bit before you go straight for the French gusto.

4. Play with it, rock with it. Getting to know your mate’s lips and tongue, as well as other parts of his face (i.e., cheeks, eyes, nose, forehead, and even his ears) through playful kissing is a great way to have small talk as you find hot spots that make both of you curl those toes.

So remember, there is no need to wait for Christmas mistletoe and Cupid hearts--or even World Kiss Day. We can learn to keep right on kissing all year round. Before long you will experience the playful and passionate feelings that go way beyond the traditions and special occasions. Now go pucker up and enjoy! Stay + y'all...

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.

It's Summertime: Invest in Your Bloom

by dr. terri

I don’t know about you but June is always a busy month for me. In fact, it’s probably my busiest celebratory month of the year, especially when it comes to graduations. Tonight, as I pen this piece, I am exhaling as I finally wrap-up all my responsibilities related to everyone else’s big day-in-the-life achievements. So what now? Summer is here and I want to enjoy every minute of these lazy hazy days. But I also want to be prepared for autumn’s bloom. And quite frankly, I want to feel as if I made some growth investments in me—even if it’s just growth through some real rest and relaxation.

Admittedly, as an educator, it’s hard to shut my brain off. I’m always thinking and wanting to learn something new. And since last summer, I’ve been on a learning quest—or what I like to call my professional development sabbatical. I’ve just been taking time to learn new skill sets and business ideas. This sabbatical decision came after 30 years of working in the college world--20 of which were spent in the classroom. Point blank: I decided I needed a minute to reinvent and reinvigorate my work life. How about you? What are you looking to learn? Now it doesn’t have to be lightening in a bottle type of learning. It can be something as simple as learning how to repot a plant properly, learning to cook a new healthy dish, learning more about a financial investment vehicle, or learning how to communicate better.

So with these two questions in mind—how about you and what are you looking to learn—I want to challenge you, even as I am challenging myself, to really think about you and how you want to use these months in order to bloom at summer's end (see harvest cycle chart above). I want you to seriously consider simply investing some time and energy into creating and implementing a growth plan for YOU. And let me get you started with considering these five things (count ‘em on one hand):

1. Health: Decide how you can challenge yourself to exercise and eat right during the summer. Let it be reasonable—not yet another lose 20 lbs. in 20 weeks kind of scheme. As a matter of fact, don’t let this challenge be about weight loss at all. Let it be about movement—moving your body so the aches and pains can be lessened. For me, I’m challenging myself to go from power walking 15 miles a week to 20 miles a week. I’m also challenging myself to step up my yoga game, so I can keep this body of mine limber. Lastly, I’m challenging myself to take heed to the old adage: An apple a day helps keep the doctor away. Yup, I’m planning to eat more apples this summer.

2. Wealth: Decide how you plan to save and spend your money this summer. If you’re an educator like me, summers can be financially tough if we don’t have our regular incomes on tap. But you don't need to be in education, or even be a 10-month worker, to spend wisely over the summer. I’ve learned that I can still save my money by spending it well. For instance, I literally take the time to search for free summer events and mark my calendar with them. This allows me to regularly engage in great entertaining events, where I can meet new people, while keeping my wallet closed. By keeping my lawn chairs and blanket in my car, I’m always road-ready to just show up with my brown bag meal at free events and just soak up the summer ambiance.

3. Home: Decide how you can complete home projects during the summer. Look around your dwelling place and see what you can fix or restyle. It can be a big ticket item such as replacing your roof or putting on a deck. Or it can be something small such as painting the bathroom. If your money is funny, cleaning and decluttering is practically free. My summer project is to go through my home office files and toss out papers. It’s going to cost me some time and energy but it’s an expense I’m willing to incur. And when I’m done, I plan to redecorate my shelves with pretty things to view rather than ugly clutter to revile.

4. Relationships: Decide how you can improve relationships that really matter to you. I can’t tell you how many times I hear people say they are horrible at keeping in contact with great friends. Summer is the perfect time to get “unhorrible” about that reality. For instance, I have a couple of great friends who have been extremely busy for the past several months. They are exhausted. But I am determined to keep us connected because I just don’t want our relationship to fade when we need it most. So until I can peg them down for a face-to-face, I randomly send cards and text messages to encourage them. They love it and thank me for not banning them from being my friend in this season of their lives. So try it. Target a relationship that you treasure, but one that may be changing due to time constraints, and pay it some love and attention over the summer.

5. Spirit-Self: Decide how you can carve out time to increase your spiritual life. For most people, summertime is when they may step away from their weekly corporate worship routines. But summertime is also a perfect time to shift away from religious dogma and move towards a deeper spiritual relationship with the Creator. With longer daylight hours, work towards getting up earlier just so you can have quiet time on your front porch or by your window. Relax and meditate. Turn inward and uncover spiritual smiles that have been hidden beneath the hustle and bustle of your days. As for me, I’ve been waking up (not necessarily getting up) at 5:30 a.m. and just soaking up the solitude. It gets me ready for my first challenge point—taking care of my health, which allows me to take on all the other challenges to follow.

So enjoy your summer. Invest in YOU by taking care of your health, wealth, home, relationships, and spiritual-self. Then get ready for your bloom. Stay + y’all…

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.

Lauding Love's Longevity

by cd banks

withdrterri

It's hard to believe June is already here, which means we're halfway through the calendar year. I tell you 2016 has been full and fast. Yet, if you're like me, summer is the perfect time to slow down and to spend time doing the things that matter--loving, celebrating, and relaxing--with family and friends. No wonder this time of year is known for weddings, graduations, and vacations. And so as we kick-off the month, we do so by focusing on ways to applaud love's longevity. With me tonight is a dear sisterfriend and student of mine--cd banks--who will share with us her words of wisdom as she reflects on nearly 40 years of marriage. I so love her spirit. My hope is that those of you who are planning to wed soon (or who are already married) will find insight and inspiration that helps you to build longevity into your marriage. So read on...and enjoy the gift of love.

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Since this is a blog bit and not a sound bite you cannot hear me applauding.

I’m clapping for the amazing, yet absolutely imperfect marriages I’ve witnessed in my life. Couples who, in spite of the changing seasons of love, have endured; still walking together as friends striving to keep love alive.

To an outsider, making marriage work is like the changing colors of autumn’s leaves . . . seemingly effortless. Having experienced forty-three years of friendship and thirty-eight years of marriage, has caused me to discover that making marriage work is anything but effortless. It takes intentionality and so much more.

As my husband Gene and I move into our more seasoned years together, I am truly learning what it takes, with the help of God, to withstand the harshness of winter; survive the sweltering sweetness of summer; hang onto the hopefulness of spring; and not lay down and take the count during the fight of fall.

Making it through the myriad seasons of marriage demands much, but is worth it in the end. Some things that may help is to remember to:

1. Be Committed

Commitment to our marriage, each other, ourselves, and to Christ is crucial. It can be the key that locks the door to divorce, contributes to longevity in marriage, and helps us endure those winter seasons that are sure to come.

Even in the area of intimacy we must be committed to keeping love alive by allowing the LORD to be in every aspect of our marriage. Inviting the Godhead into those intimate moments lets Him be LORD over our lovemaking. Personally, this was somewhat daunting initially. There was the temptation to get a little “Adam-and-Eve-ish” and throw on some fig leaves. Instead, Gene and I threw off the restraints and let God have His way. It has made such a difference.

2. Be Forgiving

Unforgiveness is incarceration of the soul. Forgiveness is our get-out-of-jail-free card. Forgiveness requires relinquishing the notion that we can revise past events. We can’t. We don’t have the power to change what has happened, but we are empowered to change our response to what happens. Free yourself. Free others. Forgive. It’s crucial.

3. Be Willing to Communicate

Speaking, listening, and understanding are three components of communication. Often the temptation is to speak more than we listen. However, learning to listen to our mate’s verbal/body language is significant. Some couples have been together long enough such that they can finish each other’s sentences. Just because we can doesn’t mean we should. Let’s seek to stay connected and communicate as we attempt to speak, listen, and understand our mates.

4. Be Friends and Encourage Each Other’s Passions

Learn to genuinely like each other and help nurture your mate’s passions. Gene’s greatest passion is photography. Often I will accompany him as he captures life through his lens. I may carry a piece of equipment, pose as a prop or surprise him by framing one of his most prized photos. Try to never miss an opportunity to encourage your mate and affirm his God-given skills.

5. Become Friends with Yourself . . . Enjoy the Company

Discover the joy of taking time for yourself to get to know who you are in the down-deepness of your soul. Waiting for an invitation? Don’t. You have your own permission to jump in that car and ride, baby, ride. Take that trip, go to the gym, get on that elliptical and step in the name of love for self. If writing is your thing, take a writing course or just sit on your patio, open a vein, (not literally!), and write. Like listening to Christmas Carols from September to well past Christmas? Go for it! With all your quirks and idiosyncrasies, enjoy being you. Declare “I’m going to be the me-est me God created me to be.” Then . . . be. Embrace your uniqueness. Love that which sets you apart. Don’t allow others to think your thoughts nor try to translate your heart.

And whatever season you find your heart in, I encourage you to endure.

My prayer is that through the seasons of love and life you will withstand the harshness of winter; survive the sweltering sweetness of summer; hang onto the hopefulness of spring; and not lay down and take the count during the fight of fall.

As a couple having made it victoriously through spring, summer, and fall, when you wind up in the winter of your love, may you emerge perhaps with a slower gait … but a stronger love . . . still friends.

Now that’s something to applaud!

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cd banks is a lifelong learner who has a passion for communication via the written and spoken word. She has attended University of Phoenix majoring in Communications. She has also attended Pneuma Life School of Ministry where her focus is in Theological Studies. Cynthia is grateful for the love of family which includes her husband, Gene, of 38 years; three adult children and four precious grandchildren whom she loves to life.

Insatiable: What Prince Taught Me about Erotic Love

by dr. terri

By now we all have heard about the sudden passing of the legendary icon—Prince Rogers Nelson (a.k.a. Prince). Like most people, I was just dumbfounded when I got the news. A world with no Prince? In my lifetime? What?! This has to be what it sounds like when doves cry. And my heart has been crying right along with them.

Honestly, when I consider my coming of age years, they were every bit of the 80s; and the 80s were every bit of Prince. His music was at the heart of my lifetime-in-the-making. However, I’m not here to write about the obvious music genius that most people will discuss over the coming days as he is memorialized. No, I’m here to discuss his sensual vibration and what his lyrics taught me not only as I made my entrance into womanhood but as I began to embrace the beauty of erotic love.

This month at StillSoSexy!, we’re talking about Our Bodies, Our Belongings. Yet, I cannot cover this topic without highlighting Prince, the king of melodious erotica, and his influence on my appreciation for erotic love. Dare I say, in some ways, his music introduced me to the world of erotology? In fact, I can remember buying my first Prince album—Controversy (1981)—when I was in high school. I played "Do Me Baby" over and over and over again (and mind you that's when you had to lift the record player needle to start the song at just the right spot). I tell you, that song was everything to me at the time. To hear a man sing so passionately about sexual intimacy to some hardcore funky vibrations (all while not making my femininity feel dirty and used) made me want to read more about eroticism.

What I found out from my reading back then was eroticism isn't as much about the sexual act itself as it is about the asthetics of everything surrounding the act of lovemaking. It is about the many beautiful forms of human expression that create our sexual desire for one another. And "Do Me Baby" definitely expressed that creation. Certainly, there would be many more songs thereafter which would continue to pique my curiosity. The list is endless. But if I had to pick one that really encapsulates what Prince taught me about erotic love, it is Insatiable (Diamonds and Pearls, 1991). By the time it was released, I was 20-something and had a bit more experience to go alongside my reading. With this being said, the song's lyrics bring to life five lessons that I want to share with you:

1. Hey, don't look at the clock. Yeah, it's 2:45. We got all night. Prince always made it clear that time was an important part of intimacy. And there is nothing more erotic to a woman than being with a man who regularly has time for her—and not just time for her body but time for every aspect of her life. So his music taught me that erotic love is conscious—it makes a plan to stay awhile so the time spent together is always full and rich with attentiveness and awareness.

2. I just can’t stop, even if I wasn’t thirsty, I’d drink every drop. Prince knew how to stay right there until they both drank it all and they both thirsted no more. Phew! What can one say about a man who won’t just get his and leave a woman looking at the ceiling as he snores? To have a man put a woman to sleep first, or even better, to have them fall asleep together is pure ecstacy. So his music taught me that erotic love is complete—it works to get all parties across the finish line again and again and again.

3. You say you want my hips up in the air? I don't know. I don't care. Prince wasn’t afraid to let his manhood be seen as subordinate in the bedroom. He would sing about trying anything at least once. And I’m a firm believer that a woman will become extremely comfortable with her body and sense of belonging in a relationship, when she’s with a man who is extremely comfortable with his own sexuality. When that level of comfort is reached, she is wide open for practically anything she feels is nondegrading to her. So his music taught me that erotic love is creative—it will always desire to give new things a try when there is a sense of security and transparency.

4. Tonight we video. No one will ever know. We'll erase the naughty bits. I'll show my ___, if you show your ___. Prince could convince even the most bashful woman to trust her bareness with him. Think about it. Who among his love affairs ever dished the dirt on him? And in return, he never dished the dirt on any of them. Needless to say, for many women this quality is crucial when it comes to our sexual psyche. After all, for a lot of us "good girls" growing up, we feared the guys who would put us on blast for even the slightest display of sexual affection. So his music taught me that erotic love is confidential—it believes in discretion and it honors privacy even within a public relationship.

5. Listen, oh girl, I'm fallin'! I love you. Baby you're mine. You’re nastier than I thought. It's just 2:49. Prince was not ashamed of four letter words or of alphabetizing them. In other words, he understood those moments when the F-word came before the L-word. Yes, I know. The idea of steamy, nasty, hot sex happening before real committed love appears goes against all sound moral judgement for many of us. But guess what? It does happen—maybe not always, but it can and does happen. So his music taught me that erotic love is curative—it has a healing virtue that can turn a single moment of sensual-sexual pleasure between two mature people into a beautiful lifetime surprise for the two of them.

In the final analysis, when I think of learning to be comfortable in my body and having a sense of belonging within a relationship, I can’t help but to think of Prince and his music. His music made a woman feel comfortable with every inch of her body and with her right to belong in an enraptured bond. Through his music, he was not afraid to be transparent in his own weaknesses while also being fearless in his strengths. No doubt, he will be missed by us all. Yet, I am grateful for the body of music he left, along with the sensual vibrations and lyrics, which will always remind me of this simple truth that I learned way back in the 80s: erotic love has the power to be melodiously beautiful for a lifetime.

Rest in Peace your Royal "Purple" Badness!

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"The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane,

firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling. [...] For women,

this has meant a suppression of the erotic as a considered source of power and information within our lives."

~ Audre Lorde (The Uses of the Erotica)

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.