Our Body Images in the Bedroom

by Chanta Blue

withdrterri

Tonight, as we continue dealing with body image and our sense of belonging, we have with us sex and relationship therapist, Chanta Blue. I absolutely love her approach to helping women get in touch with their bodies and their bedrooms. Let's see what golden nuggets she has to share with those of us who want to push beyond negative body images and move onto positive intimate encounters.

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“Ugh! I hate my thighs.” “I wish my boobs looked like hers.” “If only I was 20 pounds lighter I would be happy.” These and thousands upon thousands of other phrases haunt women all around the world. We look at ourselves in the mirror and pick out every little imperfection we can find, regardless of the many wonderful attributes we have. But why do we do this? Why can’t we see how beautiful we are…flaws and all.

Who is it that determines what we are supposed to look like? TV commercials? Movies? Print ads? Who are they to determine the perfect height, weight, and overall size of beauty? We are all beautiful in our own right and we shouldn’t let others determine our self-worth. But the reality is, we still beat ourselves up about the way we look. And no matter how many self-affirmations we do or how many times our girlfriends tell us how gorgeous we are we still struggle with our body image daily.

Although we hear and read a lot about how our body image can impact our self-esteem and thus our overall wellbeing, we rarely hear about how these negative self images impact our ability to allow ourselves and others to satisfy our sexual needs. These feelings of shame and anxiety about our bodies aren’t just about our stomachs and thighs anymore; it has recently been extending to our genitals as well. More and more women are becoming so self conscious about the color, shape, and size of their vulva that they don’t want to touch it or allow anyone else to touch it either.

These are issues that have been ingrained in us since we were little girls. Now, as we’ve gotten older, it has become harder and harder to block out those negative images and they keep us from enjoying sex in all its many forms. Women with body image concerns tend to avoid physical closeness, initiate sex less often, and report reduced sexual satisfaction in intimate relationships.

As a sex and relationship therapist, I see a lot of couples and individual women who find it difficult to get out of their own heads when fulfilling their sexual desires. It can be really hard to focus on the arousing possibilities of sex when you’re distracted by your love handles. If we as women can embrace all of our sexy curves, luxuriate in our thick thighs, and love our unique vulvas, we would be able to revel in the gloriousness of giving and receiving sexual pleasure.

So I wanted to leave you sexy ladies with some helpful tips to combat your body image woes:

1. Self-Love is the Best Love: Doing something for you and only you can be a huge confidence booster. It could be as simple as getting your hair and nails done or as extravagant as taking yourself on vacation. Find something that makes you happy!

2. Go F*ck Yourself: Yes, I know that was a little vulgar, but sometimes a good f-bomb is needed! Masturbation is one of the best ways to tackle body image issues. It is the safest and most hygienic way to explore your body and learn where your most sensitive erogenous zones are. Knowing where and how you like to be touched will make it easier for you to communicate your needs to your sexual partner(s). Which leads me to the next tip…

3. Talk it Out: Talking to your partner about feeling unattractive can help them understand the internal struggle that you are dealing with in the bedroom. If your partner is unaware of the reasons behind your avoidance of certain sexual situations, they may begin to internalize your rejection and begin to feel unattractive or resentful. When we keep the lines of communication open with our partners, it helps increase support, trust, and intimacy.

4. Something New: Learning and mastering a new bedroom trick can help take the focus off of your body images woes and place it on something more positive. When we learn new skills and are good at implementing those skills we increase our confidence. This confidence continues to grow as our partner continues to provide us with positive feedback and lessens our body anxiety.

5. Read a Book: This last tip can be great for any woman, whether they have body image concerns or not and whether they're partnered or single. There are three books that I absolutely love to refer to when it comes to women’s sexual pleasure:

Come As You Are -- By Emily Nagoski

Sex For One -- By Betty Dodson

Women’s Anatomy of Arousal -- By Sheri Winston

Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts on body image and the bedroom with you! I know from personal experience that it can be a long and arduous journey to becoming comfortable in your body. If I can be of any help to you as you go through your own journey, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Now go and have some fabulous, fierce, and sexy fun between the sheets!!

Many Blessings,

Chanta

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Chanta Blue, LSW is a sex and relationship therapist at the Blue Counseling and Wellness Center in Montclair, NJ. For more information and to learn about their upcoming events, please like their Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BlueCounselingandWellness/

Our Bodies, Our Belongings (April Series)

by dr. terri

Ladies, we’ve all done it: looked in the mirror and wished things were different—better. How is it that one minute we feel lousy about how we see ourselves? Then with the right make-up and outfit, the right words of encouragement and prayer, the right amount of exercise, and the right bit of sexual healing; we can feel absolutely amazing? That is, until something goes wrong and we step back in front of the mirror only to once again wish things were different—better.

Oh, the joys of womanhood. So many things influence our ability to self-love and to self-hate. People. Places. Things. They all bring with them voices from our past experiences, our present conditions, and our future wishes. We seem to struggle for years trying to get beautifully comfortable in our skin; and to have a true sense of belonging with the nouns in our lives. So why can’t we make peace with it all and just live with it being what it is?

Yes, I know. We live in an era when we can make outward transformations happen just by doing something about the way we look. Exercise. Eat right. Change our hair and make-up. Nip. Tuck. Shop ‘til we drop. Avoid the scale. Cover the mirror. But the truth is no outward transformation will ever really satisfy us, if we aren’t willing to do the inner work. And the inner work really has to do with making peace with our belongings—to whom we belong, where we belong, and who and what belongs to us.

So this month we’re dealing with our bodies and our belongings. Throughout the month, we’ll discuss ways to stop the body shaming and start accepting the skin we’re in, so we can make healthy choices about transformations that really matter. We’ll address issues around how to better communicate our needs and desires in the relationships to which we belong—whether familial, romantic, or platonic. And finally, we’ll deal with how to be more confident with our bodies and our belongings as we move about the public sphere.

I hope you’ll stay tuned because our guest bloggers and I are ready to share insight and information to help us make peace with our bodies and our belongings. In the meantime, here’s your first homework assignment. Remember our God-bag activity from last month? You’ll need to keep it handy. Or if you prefer to use a journal, it will work as well. Now throughout the month, take time—once a day or once a week—to study your body in the mirror (clothed or unclothed—your choice). Describe what you see and how you feel about what you see in the mirror. If you feel good about what you see, write down why you feel good about the image you see. And if you aren’t happy about what you see, write down why too. The goal in this activity is to actually see what we’re saying about ourselves to ourselves from one moment to the next. Be sure not to erase or cross-out what you write. Just be honest. And as we go through the month, we’ll look at ways that we can love on ourselves, forgive ourselves, and free ourselves through what we say to ourselves on a more consistent basis.

Talk with you soon. Until then, stay well and stay + y’all…

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.

Adult Conclusions: Journey into Well-Being

by dr. terri

It's the final week of Women's History Month and with the end of it comes the conclusion of our Journey into Well-Being series. A big thank you to my guest bloggers who shared what it means to be lucky in love and how to get our feet under us so we can stand. I trust you've enjoyed each entry. But most of all, I hope you grew a little taller in your tenacity, a little wider in your wisdom, a little deeper in your determination, and a little sexier in your sensuality. Read on for our re-cap. And as always, be well and stay + y'all...

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If you’ve ever seen the movie—Eat, Pray, Love—then you’re probably familiar with the term attraversiamo. It’s Italian for “let’s cross over.” Typically, it’s used as an indication that those who are walking together should now cross the street. But in the movie the term comes to mean so much more, particularly as it relates to a woman’s decision to cross over with her mate into something more beautiful than either of them have ever known. Throughout this month, we have been walking together on this journey into well-being. Why this journey? Because we realize that in order to have healthy lives with our mates, we must first have healthy lives with our Self. So here’s what we’ve covered.

We began by looking at Judith’s life and how she forfeited her own hopes, dreams, and aspirations in order to devote her life to her husband. But in the long run, he left her for another woman who apparently was confident that she could have it all (i.e., marriage, family, children, and a career). Ouch! You mean we as women can have it all? Such a rude awakening is kind of like the moment when Dorothy realizes the power to leave Oz and go home was in the shoes on her feet. She just had to use them. And so it is with our lives. We really do have the power to walk this journey with those who will take us just as we are and just as we desire to be (no self-forfeiting necessary). Judith finally realized this truth but it took her doing a lot of soul-searching.

On our journey, we started our soul-searching with a heart-to-heart look at girlhood. We examined some of the stereotypes placed on us. And while some of us received praise and accolades that helped us to develop a phenomenal sense of self; many of us bought into negative stereotypes that told us we were less than valuable. For those who fit the latter category, we gave the God Bag assignment. Hopefully, those of you who actually participated are making amends with the little girl you left behind.

Well, then we moved into our adolescent years—the uncovered stage of our lives leading to our early adult years. We reflected on our choices to gravitate towards romantic relationships out of fear that we couldn’t become ourselves without being identified as a couple. For some, couple-hood has been a joyous journey after all these years. For others, there is a boat-load of regret because we haven’t been able to get over how we wasted so much time being afraid of becoming ourselves.

So this week we’re here—girls who are not ashamed of our girlhood and teens who are not scared of being seen as individuals. And it is here where we draw our conclusions as to what it takes to be a woman of a certain age. Like Judith, and even Dorothy, we must conclude that what makes a woman a woman is her choice to be one (period). But in order to come to this conclusion, we as women have to choose to honor what Carol Ryff calls the six-domains (or dimensions) of well-being. They are autonomy, personal growth, self-acceptance, life purpose, environmental mastery, and positive relatedness. To honor them, we must eliminate our fears about growing into womanhood, so:

1. Don’t be afraid to be autonomous. Autonomy is the behavior of a woman who operates in accordance with her own interests or values even as she is supported by non-controlling relationships.

2. Don’t be afraid of personal growth. Personal growth is a product of a woman who seeks and is open to opportunities which enable her to enhance her existing skills and talents.

3. Don’t be afraid of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance requires a woman to maintain a sense of esteem for herself in the face of complex and sometimes unpleasant personal aspects of her own characteristics and behaviors.

4. Don’t be afraid of your life purpose. When a woman finds her individual purpose in life, her raison d’etre (reason for existing), she has a sense of direction even when it appears the world offers no satisfactory alternatives for her circumstances.

5. Don’t be afraid to master your environment. Environmental mastery takes place when a woman is able to take an active role in influencing her surroundings in order for her needs and wants to be met.

6. Don’t be afraid of positively relating to others. Positive relatedness entails a woman’s ability to create warm and intimate relations with others who help to provide a presence of satisfying social contact and healthy human relationships in her life.

As we close out this Women's History Month March series, keep these six domains of well-being in mind. They are at the heart of being a well woman who not only maintains personal control and self-responsibility as an individual; but they are at the heart of her cultivating positive relationships with others. So use them to strengthen the little girl in you. Use them to encourage the teen in you. But most importantly, use them to direct the present you into becoming a better you. Now let’s cross over—attraversiamo!

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.

 On Mental Illness: Find Your Feet Then Recongize Where You Stand

by Lawna "Lcee" Gamble

withdrterri

I have said it before--I love my guest bloggers. Whether they are part of my "Readers as Writers" segment or part of my "ProPack" (those who lend their professional expertise), I appreciate their writing voices speaking up and out on all things wellness and womanhood. And this go round is no different. I'm excited to have Lawna "Lcee" Gamble lend both her professional and personal experience on the topic of mental health as it relates to our journey into well-being. This piece is on point on so many levels. It's an absolute must read. So read on and by all means share it with others.

*****

I am an African-American woman with a brain disorder, commonly and mistakenly known as a mental illness. Mine, called manic depression, is also known as bipolar disorder. I have had several clinical nervous breakdowns, significantly contributed to the destruction of my marriage, will probably need medication for a lifetime, and have spent at least a thousand hours in a therapist's office. Now, I’ve got a whole professional team that works with me to keep me sane. Duly note that it hasn’t always been that way.

I used to be ashamed and secretive of the reality described in the previous paragraph. The stigma of mental illness held me hostage to the luxurious life I had imagined for myself – you remember your answer to the famous question about what you wanted to be when you grew up. Yeah, you know that question! Now it's an integrated whole. I know that taking off the cape and stripping my chest of the "S" doesn't make me any less of a strong woman. Superhero status is not required. I cannot save the world, and sometimes I'm the one who needs saving.

Like many people, I once felt that having a mental illness was a sign of personal weakness. As a prospective mental health professional I spent lots of time convincing people otherwise, but when it was my turn, I felt that going to the psychiatrist was a sign of failure. I tried running, aerobics, aqua therapy, yoga, Chinese herbs, and meditation (and yes, prayer – but better not say that too loud) -- anything but "mainstream" medical attention. I did not want to go to a psychiatrist, because "nothing is wrong with me. I'm not crazy!"

I had no issue with going to the dentist, gynecologist or orthopedist, though. Like many African- Americans in particular, I stigmatized mental illness in a way that we do not stigmatize obesity, diabetes, hypertension and so many other chronic and life-threatening illnesses. We will take pills to lose weight, maintain a regular heart beat or lower our blood pressure, but not to get or stay mentally well.

According to the mythology that surrounds many women in my family, as I’m sure are represented in other African-American families, "falling apart" is just not something we do. We survived the Middle Passage, slavery, racial oppression and economic deprivation. We know how to "handle our business," "be a man" or "be a woman." Collectively, they see therapy as the domain of "weak," neurotic people who don't know what "real problems" are. Instead, to deal with our psychic pain we eat our way into life-threatening obesity, excessively use alcohol and drugs and act out violently through word and deed, spend just as many hours in church as there are in a work week, but we do not go crazy.

Because being "crazy" means you can't handle life, and in our story of who we are, we are survivors who can handle anything, which means that we do what we have to do to survive. But this does not usually include a trip to the mental health professional of our choice. It is time to add this to our survival toolkit.

Is it really better to be a drug addict, obese with high blood pressure and diabetes, or be verbally/physically/emotionally violent to those around us, instead of seeking help for what troubles us so deeply that we choose to self-destruct -- though perhaps not in the stereotypical idea of what suicide looks like to us? I don't think so.

At some point we must stop worrying what other people are going to think and get about the business of getting well and moving forward with our lives. So how do African Americans begin to eliminate the stigma of mental illness so that we can get the help we need sooner rather than later, and support those who need it?

1. Talk about it. Don't whisper or gossip about it. Talk about it at the barbecue. From the pulpit. On TV. On the radio. With our doctors. With our loved ones. If we can talk about our (blood) "sugar" and our (blood) "pressure," then we should be willing to talk about our depression, mania, hallucinations, suicidal ideation…

2. Support each other in getting help. We send friends to the doctor for their nagging back pain, so send them to get relief from their mental and emotional pain, too. And don't forget to ask them how they are doing as time passes; they need friends more than you know.

3. Let us not stigmatize the brain. It is attached to the body, so mental illness is a brain disorder, and chemical imbalances in the brain are at the root of the case. Furthermore, the biochemical impacts of a brain disorder are felt throughout the whole body, not just in your head.

4. Say, "This person has a mental illness," not, "This person is mentally ill". We do not say, "That person is cancerous," or “S/he is heart disease.” Words have power so be careful how you frame it.

5. Acknowledge that those who survive a brain disorder are as much survivors as family and friends who survive life-threatening diseases. Understand that we work just as hard to stay sane as the addict does to stay sober. As cancer or addictions go into remission, so too, do brain disorders with the assistance of a supportive team.

6. Support people who share their stories of mental illness. It is time to show that the faces and lives of people with a mental illness are not just the faces and lives of the homeless person talking to the unseen, or the aunt who curses out every one at the family reunion. It is my face and my life, and the faces and lives of so many other men and women like me who pray, work, parent, and have abundance talent.

7. Advocate for accessible and affordable, culturally appropriate mental health services. Psychiatrist and therapist are not “one size fits all”. Finding the right clinician may be a long and tedious process. Just like we search for the right child care, shop the best car deal, interview for multiple jobs, or apply to several colleges such is with the search for a therapist. Be diligent and your spirit will know the right one for you.

"Coming out" requires courage. Like any other consciousness-raising process, a range of role models that represent a variety of experiences with mental illness will change perceptions. In our respective communities, we have lists of accomplished people to inspire us in our various endeavors. We need a list of accomplished people with mental illness who have survived and thrived.

No doubt due to the stigma, it was difficult to find names of well-known Americans with a "confirmed" history of mental illness -- and this is no place for innuendo or rumor-mongering. So I will start this list with me: My name is Lawna C. Gamble--aka “Lcee”--and I have bipolar disorder. I am a mother, artist, researcher, life learner, writer, gardener, travel enthusiast, fashion icon and as sane and happy of a person as you would ever want to meet.

My brain disorder does not define who I am. It doesn’t define who you are. We are perfect, whole, and complete – in a special way.

I am a strong African-American woman with a brain disorder which is often referred to as bipolar disorder. I aced two challenging graduate school programs; spent years of duty as a single, professional mother who worked as an executive director by day and a Walgreens cashier by night to support my son’s private school education; founded a celebratory support group for women with my same issue when all others failed to promote healthy coping skills; crafted numerous portfolios of my own, and designed numerous branding elements for other business owners and artists; been the stager on many high end home remodels. Overall, I worked a diversified portfolio of jobs - a formally trained artist, educator, nonprofit manager, entrepreneur, and therapeutic advocate confronting the issues that mental health has on romantic relationships, social ills, and financial woes. I've earned a cape and a big "S" on my chest. But guess what? I don’t need it anymore, and neither do you. Get help.

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Lawna "Lcee" Gamble is a Mental Health Professional practicing in Minneapolis, MN

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NOTE: If you or anyone you know needs help,

please visit the "Enc-Me" page at www.StillSoSexy.com for a health professional in your area.

Adolescence: Journey into Well-Being

by dr. terri

The adolescent years are no easy thing to survive. In fact, have you ever noticed the only time the human lifespan has no hood to shield us from society’s glare is during our adolescent years? It seems every stage has a “social hoodie” to cover its ways of being—childhood (0-12), emerging adulthood (18-25), and adulthood itself (26 and up). But when you are 13-17 years old, you are just left out there desperately trying to find a way to not be so awkward, foolish, and scared. This desperation is particularly true when we consider how we handled romantic relationships as teenage girls.

Sure, some of us were either late bloomers or we stayed on the straight and narrow clear into adulthood. But for the rest of us, we spent the majority of our time hoping we wouldn’t be the last chick picked to be somebody—anybody’s—girlfriend. It seems silly now, our desperate need for "couple-hood" just so we could validate our teenage years by saying, “I was here” (even if we were only able to write it on a bathroom stall wall).

And let’s face it. While we tried to play the game and look the part of Ms. Right back-in-the-day, our quiet teenage desperation often led us right into the arms of the wrong guy (or guys, if we were the consummate bum-magnets)--some of whom helped to make us the Bitter Bettys we are all these years later (ouch)!

Anyway, I can remember when I was in high school, many teenage girls were eager to marry. It was all they ever talked about doing. They just wanted to complete high school (maybe college), find a husband, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. These were the things they believed would make them happy. And to be honest, these were the things society told us would make us happy.

Yet, of all those who pursued that path, only those who had other aspirations seemed to have remained happily married. But for those who made their whole world revolve around desperately needing to be married—who never pursued other aspirations, they now have no clue who and what they want to be now that they are grown women. And for some, they are miserably feeling no further along than when they were awkward, foolish, and scared teenagers.

Now if this latter category is where you presently find yourself—still being desperate for a “social hoodie” because you’re afraid to develop into another level of you; it’s time to let the teen in you step into adulthood. I know this can seem like an undaunting task because what most of us never learned as teenagers is that we are multidimensional beings. So the notion of being only one thing at a time in life is exactly how we waste our lifetime. And if we're not careful, it's exactly how our daughters, nieces, granddaughters, and goddaughters will waste theirs.

In other words, we have to accept that things happen at the speed of life. We grow old(er). We see our mates change and grow for better and for worse. We finish raising kids and (hopefully) they eventually leave us to our comfortable empty nest. We lose parents and loved ones. We retire and relocate. These are the things that make life LIFE. So we have to see ourselves as women who are ever growing and going to the next level even amid these things. We have to see ourselves beyond the dreams of our teen years, so that any unmet dreams aren't the hinge pins for our subsequent disbelief in happily ever after.

So how do we get pass those adolescent years that set us up for being one dimensional women in our romantic relationships? Well, first we start by exploring our everyday environments more. Make use of things that speak to our womanly ways of being as individuals (i.e., faith, finances, friends, family, fun, and friskiness). Then we must take on new adventures with our mates. After all, many of us never learned that if you are really going to find Mr. Right (or keep him for that matter), you need to understand even he wants to be with Ms. Right. And you can’t really be Ms. Right if you are still being the teenager whose greatest claim to fame is writing, “I was here” on the bathroom stall walls of life. So get out the stall and live.

The journey continues…

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dr. terri is an educator, empowerment writer, and entrepreneur,

who provides education planning, writing guidance, and life-mapping services to the sisterhood and those they love.

To learn more about her services, visit www.withdrterri.com. For the online women's center, visit www.stillsosexy.com.